Here's a thought

X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Okay, so to continue in my rich history of live-blogging awful movies, I bring you my next installation in the series – X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

“The film covers a variety of issues, including Work Safety in Knitting Needle factories…”

Okay, look. I won’t pretend I didn’t enjoy myself when I saw this a year ago at the cinemas. But even the most hardcore fan of comic-book hero movies would have to admit that this film does not quite hold up to closer scrutiny. Let us begin. Dear Lord…

(As usual, actual, direct quotes are written in bold.)

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The studio titles are coming up. Oh, good - Marvel Comics. So we know this will be a winner.

Exactly why is this movie about Canadians? It’s set in Canadia. Was Wolverine Canadian? So many questions…

Awww, poor Baby Wolverine. His Dad just got shot for no reason and turned into his not-Dad so he killed his best friends’ father who turned out to be his Dad – with his super-awesome ability to grow his fingernails really fast. I guess growing up is hard.

“MY BODY DOESN’T QUITE KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ALL THIS PRE-PUBESCENT ANGST!”

So now he is running away with his best friend, who’s fortunately not mad that Wolverine KILLED HIS FATHER enough to cut him up with his own, equally long fingernails. And then they run through a montage of every war ever. (Did Canadians even have World War 1? and 2?)

And the credits are playing. Oh God, I forgot that Will. I. Am. is in this movie.

And Harry Gregson-Williams, I am ashamed of you.

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So Liev Schreiber is Wolverine’s brother now. And he is sort of trigger-happy and enjoys killing Vietnamese people and sleeping with their wives and also growling at fellow soldiers while threatening them with his fingernails.

Then they both get firing-squadded (for treason, or something?) but they both live through it, and are locked up in a cell together, until a gruff old Military Type comes in and tells them how unique they are, and how he wants to collect them, and make them part of his “Special Team”. I love how Liev Schreiber’s eyes light up when he hears this. (“I knew it! There is something different about me after all! I am a special snowflake!”)

“If I don’t make it, you can have my PS3…”

So now they are in a plane with Ryan Reynolds. Special! And Ryan Reynolds is so sarcastic all the time (“You would be the perfect solider if you shut your mouth,” says Military Type. Oh ho ho, I get it, because Deadpool…)

‘Merry’ from Lord of the Rings can control planes with his mind. So that’s kind of cool…

So now they have landed at the Fox Studios set in Sydney, and an Asian dude (whose superpower seems to be running in slow motion with guns) is taking down the entirety of the security team that is guarding a crazy secure facility, which I guess they’re trying to get into.

Sorry, Merry’s name is ‘Bradley’. But I’d rather call him Charlie from Lost.

Even for a superhero, it seems unlikely to me that Ryan Reynolds could literally samurai every single bullet that seven guards are firing at him out of the air (machine gun bullets, no less) and not get a scratch on him. Like, his arms would overheat from the friction of that movement alone, and fall off, or something.

There is a reason the rest of the super squad is hanging back, Ryan Reynolds. Tank top. Armpits. Just sayin’…

And speaking of crazy superpowers. If Will. I. Am can teleport into the bad guy’s office just in time to point a freaking massive rocket launcher at him before he’s able to reach for a gun of his own, (which just happened, so I guess he can), why didn’t they just send in Will. I. Am in the first place, to point that at the bad guy’s head and tell everyone else to drop their weapons?

(I feel like we are only just beginning to scratch the surface of this movie’s illogicality)

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So now the Special Team want some Kryptonite they found in bullets or rocks or something, and they’re willing to kill an African tribe for it. The tribe chief (they are in Africa now, by the way) swears it came from the sky, and apparently Wolverine’s other abilities include knowing when people are telling the truth? Because he glances at him briefly and says “He’s telling the truth.” (Super abilities, Wolverine!)

Charlie from Lost feels the need to touch his index and third fingers to his head whenever he uses his WiFi powers to shut things down or VoIP back to home base, because otherwise he would just look useless. No one would be able to see him in action…

Also Ryan Reynolds can speak Swahili.

Liev Schreiber just wants to kill everything/everyone, but Wolverine is crampin’ his style, big time.

Wolverine (or “Jimmy’”?? I thought his name was Logan??) isn’t having any of that. So he walks away. (Liev’s like “NOOOOOooooo, JIMMY!!!”)

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Cut to “The Canadian Rockies, six years later”??? (I love how Canada has to define all of its own things. Like lunchboxes and pencil sharpeners in primary school.)

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Cut to some other place (are we still in Canada?) and we’re at a carnival circus (??) and Michelle Williams is captivated by Charlie from Lost’s amazing ability to not turn off a light globe. (I can just hear Tim Kring getting indignant because his season 4 premire has been spoiled…)

Back in his trailer, you would think that Charlie from Lost would be over having every single electrical thing ever hanging from his roof, just so that he could turn it on and off at will, but no. They’re all there. Hanging from his roof. Because if anything his character is too grounded in reality. Just too well-drawn. (Wouldn’t he be out, like robbing ATMs with his mind or something?)

Nope. Liev Schreiber drops by, to kill him. Liev Schreiber holds a light globe in his hand, and it dims and goes out. (Sort of like a metaphor for…. for… something, I’m not sure. It escapes me right now, but something, I’ll get it later if I don’t think about it…)

Anyways. Charlie from Lost is out like a light (oooh, that’s what it was!), and the whole carnival shuts down (I guess he was powering the whole thing??). And Wolverine/Jimmy wakes up screaming.

His girlfriend (who seems to have been cloned from equal-part samples of Claire Forlani, Jennifer Aniston, Leona Lewis and Colbie Caillat) has leaped out of bed because Jimmerine’s nightmares make his bone claws tear up the mattress. (That has got to make it so hard for her to fall asleep, knowing that could happen at any point while she’s unconscious.)

“You and I are going to be having a talk in the morning about our linen budget…”

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So Wolverjim is a lumberjack (plaid shirt and all), and the Special Team army man shows up. At which point Wolverine actually says the words “Smells like government,” to his coworker, which is hilarious.

Asian Man is with him. Turns out his name is ‘Agent Zero’. Awesome! (That was totally going to be my Halo player name, but that’s ok, you can have it, dork.)

Army Dude turns out to be General Stryker, only he’s not Brian Cox anymore, he’s Danny Huston. Maybe his X-power is shapeshifting into ever more obscure actors?

He is, and I quote, “Sorry about how things ended between us.” He has come crawling back to Wolverine, who he now calls ‘Logan’ (But didn’t he know him from the war/Special Team as ‘Jimmy?’ MAKE UP YOUR MIND, LOGAJIMMERINE!), and wants his help with something something weapon something Liev Schreiber something something…

So anyway, Wolverine and Girlfriend drive home, via the Green Screen Highway (must be a shortcut) and Logerine has a punch-up with some roadworkers. (As you do when you’re a ball of uncontrollable fury and manliness.) But Girlfriend Jedi Mind Tricks them into submission.

Jimerlogine is like “How did you do that mutant power thing you just did?” And Girlfriend is like “Oh, ho ho, don’t jump ahead of the plot, cowboy. I’m totally not a mutant whywouldyouevenaskmethatnowstopaskingquestions.” Topic avoided!

And now she is telling him Native American (or is it Native Canadian?) folklore because of course she is, and we are trying to pay attention to something about the Moon and spirit worlds and picking flowers and wolverines and take notes kids because you just know this is going to be in a quiz later. You know, in the third quarter of the storyline…

But Liev Schreiber I guess is not okay with anyone being alive ever, and so he stops the Girlfriend on a highway somewhere, and MS Paints some scratches onto her hood, and then kills her?

And Logerine gets there too late. And he blasts the heavens with an anguished scream that rates up there with the best of them. (But does anyone even check for pulses anymore? Or mouth to mouth? Like, she didn’t even look too scratched up to me…)

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And now Liev Schreiber is waiting for Logerine to come for him at a pub in Canada inexplicably tended by a Southern barman?

And then they have a man-off, and Liev Schreiber’s fingernails are seriously not that long compared to Logerine’s boneclaws (so maybe all his killing and strutting and stuff is his way of compensating for that?), but at least he can run on all fours sometimes? So that’s pretty cool…

“Don’t be taking out your impotent rage on me, Manicure Boy!”

They have a big brawl in the lumber yard and kill each other several times. Which I dunno, aren’t they both indestructable? Or at least they can heal themselves all the time, so I’m not sure how they’re planning to kill each other?

They have some heavy-handed dialogue about not being like other people, and Liev Schreiber totally stomps Logerine’s boneclaws off (EMASCULATION METAPHORS, MUCH?). Ouch. And apparently that’s what it takes to knock Logerine out cold and land him in Special Team’s hospital without a scratch.

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Now Wolverine/Logan/Jimmy is angry and wants to help them track down Liev Schrieber. And Stryker is only too willing to help him out. Which is great, except that apparently Styrker’s first step in the ‘helping him out’ process is actually submitting him to “more pain than any other man can endure.” Sounds like fun.

But it’s ok, because Stryker assures him that that will give him his revenge. Sure. That seems fair. Cause he hasn’t already suffered enough, and all.

Wait, so did Wolverine just leave Girlfriend out in that field? Like, he’s all on about revenge and nobody better stand in his way cause he is going to kill everything, but has he buried her, or anything?

So they take a helicopter through some Canadian scenery. And then maybe they could get Claire Forlani after all, because she seems to be the doctor, who is about to submit him to his aforementioned More-than-Anyone-Else pain in a hot tub in a secret lab. She’s super encouraging about him holding on to his grudges to get him through his crazy surgery.

Stryker is all “We’re going to make you indestructable. But first we have to destroy you.” Nice, Stryker. Do you write those things down in a little pocket book for these occasions, or do they just come to you on the spot?

Anyway. He explains how he’s injecting KryptoniteAdamantium (from the Kryptonite rocks, of course) into Logan/Jimmy/Wolverine. And he’s like “embrace the darkness, become the Wolverine.”

And so Jimmwolgan basically says “I want some new dog tags and I want them to say Wolverine because I can’t remember the native Koachi name for it that Girlfriend told me but it’s close enough” and so Stryker arranges for a ridiculous 2-second CGI clip of a dog tag being stamped. (Which is an absolutely pointless scene because it cuts right back to those dog tags on his chest? In the same scene in the lab? I guess all the scientists were like “Ok, we’ll just wait around here until you go get him his personalised jewellery. Just drop us a line when you want to begin the procedure where we turn him into an indestructable weapon.”)

So now we’re getting started with the KryptoniteAdamantium injections and all. And Stryker introduces “Weapon X”, at which point he is stopped by some other guy who’s like “What’s Weapon X???” And Stryker’s like “Roman Numeral. The number 10. Do you need any more X-Men:Origining, or can we proceed?”

And for some reason they can’t sedate Jimmerine (because superpowers), so he has to do this voluntarily (because so much pain). But it’s ok, he just starts having flashbacks of Dead Girlfriend (but only the last few days of her life? I guess theirs has been a short relationship?), and those memories are just the right thing to help him go the distance, and bring him back to life after he’s been pumped full of lead.

“WHERE’S MY WIFE?!  GET OFF MY PLANE!! IS THIS PROCEDURE COVERED BY MY HMO???”

Seriously, now he would be so heavy. His body is metal.

Stryker says “Come back to me, old friend.” (Because of how he is still treating this like a high-school relationship.) And then he wants to erase his memories(?), and so Wolverine explodes out of the hot tub, (and out of his underwear too, for good measure) and cuts an X (get it? You get it) out of the fortified walls of the compound and jumps off a cliff.

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He nudie runs his way into Sam and Martha Kent’s barn for the night, and has a series of moments with  her and her husband. (Geez, could it get any more formative experiences for him right now?) Conveniently, their dead son’s clothes will probably fit him, so he gets dressed.

Unfortunately, they can’t do anything about the horrible MS Paint claws he has now. They are good at cutting through things like bathroom sinks, though. So I guess that’s a good upgrade…

“So what you’re telling me is that all of the budget went to my hair extensions, and we had literally nothing left for the claws?”

I like how they invite him to dinner, and call him ‘son’, but then they’re all “Your ass is sleeping IN THE BARN, stranger! I don’t trust you to not seduce my elderly wife.”

But this is an origin story, so they end up teaching him a lesson about decency and niceness and leather jackets that fit perfectly, and he is on his way. “Thanks for the one night of memories, dearest old people who shape the man I am going to become.”

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But then Asian/Agent Zero gets jealous of Wolverine developing a richer backstory, and so he Grassy-Knolls Martha and Sam Kent with his Slow-Mo Bullet Powers. And then a helicopter shoots up the barn and the house (I guess they launched an entire nuclear power plant at it as a missile, because that thing just EXPLODES) as Wolverine rides out – in slow motion, of course, the fastest way to travel – on the Kent’s dead son’s old motorbike that they kept fueled and in perfect working order even though they’ve never touched it for years and years.



“You dare to marr the picturesque landscape of my beautiful country, Australia New Zealand Canadia??””

Anyway. So he outruns some MS Paint bullets through a Green Screen Forest and has a couple of MI:2 moments with the helicopters and tanks. (Read: motorbikes his way up a tank and leaps off it to close the distance from the ground to the chopper, NATCH) He chops the blades off the helicopter and it falls out of the sky. And I am really disappointed that it didn’t explode all over the place.

I know this is a still from the video-game, but at this point, what’s the difference?

I’m still not sure what exactly Agent Zero’s superpower is. Cause it’s certainly not accuracy with a weapon…

Agent Zero is crushed inside the downed chopper, and it turns out Stryker is the one trying to kill Wolverlogajim. He was all “Find Wolverine. Cut off his head. But also, sometimes use missiles?”

And the ridiculous thing is, Stryker takes a moment to explain that Asian Zero could only have killed Wolverine with KryptoniteAdamantium bullets. THEN WHY DIDN’T HE GIVE AGENT ZERO ADAMANTIUM BULLETS???!??!?!

And then Logerine leaves Agent Zero to die, and walks away, and then he sparks a fuel leak with his MS Claws (Like, he literally scratches the fuel with his claws and it catches on fire) and it blows up good and proper. And I am so glad because I didn’t feel that they were fully utilising the power of MS Paint technology in this motion picture. And also ‘cause he gets to walk away in slow motion.

“High Eights all ‘round, Visual Effects Team!”

Meanwhile, back in the Lab, someone is explaining to Stryker how only a KryptoniteAdamantium bullet can kill Wolverine. But isn’t he made of that stuff and doesn’t he have the ability to heal? I’m not sure how that would kill him, exactly. But then, I’m not a scientist, so what do I know.

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Anyway, and then we cut to Foreshadowing Clip 2, where we see Teen Scott ‘Cyclops’ Summers in school with red sunglasses that he is allowed to wear in your average public school. And he is getting a headache which is always code for about to go mutated on yo’ ass in these movies.

“My adolescence is so difficult right now, you guys don’t even know. My parents told me it’s just a phase I’m going through, and that it will pass…”

“Woops.”


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So now Will. I. Am. is running a boxing gym and delivering his lines just terribly while wearing a cowboy hat and outfit(??), and for some reason we run back into one of the Special Team who has turned fat and huge and he’s indestructible. And I think he’s called Blob now? And so the big fight is on, because Wologammyne fighting him is the only way to get him to give up the information he somehow knows about where Liev Schreiber is.

“You know why you can’t beat me? Cause you’re CHICKEN, McFly…”


So Wolverine quickly straightens his hair with a blow-dryer, and dons some boxing gloves and headbutts him with his KryptoniteAdamantium skull.

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But then Liev Schreiber is at Teen Scott’s school in a power outage? And Teen Scott sees him tap on the window while he’s chalking the school blackboards for detention (for wearing the sunglasses). But he immediately assumes that Liev Schreiber is a mutant there to kill him and so he breaks into a run for his life(?) and Liev Schreiber bounces around the hallways and ceilings, and Teen Scott’s mutating powers CYCLOPS THE SCHOOL IN HALF, but then they “bag him and tag him.” (And Tim Kring gets on the phone to his lawyers.)

And then Stryker is collecting mutants and experimenting on them (because when isn’t he collecting mutants and experimenting on them?)

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And then Blob feels like introducing another superhero in the Marvel Universe and so they go off after Gambit to find out something about something else (and I can’t even keep track of what that is at this point. Something about Stryker’s experiments?)

So they go to New Orleans (Wow. The exotic locations this adventure takes us to. And yet, they all manage to feel completely lackluster and just like studio sets…) and try to outpoker Gambit or something? And Will. I. Am. tries to out-teleport Liev Schreiber in the back alley.

And then Gambit is good at paper cuts, as his superpower? Because he throws some cards at Logerine and knocks him to next Tuesday. So that’s a thing that happened.

“Is this your card?”

So then Wolverine and Liev Schreiber have another ManBrawl, only Logan has shiny MS Claws now, and so he is going to cut Liev Schrieber’s head off and go from there, except that Gambit has jumped off the Green Screen Tower and exploded them both, (Not sure what his power is, still) and so Liev Schreiber runs away?

Gambit has a scepter now. Or a walking stick. (What exactly is his superpower???) And so he tries to Purple Sparkle Wolverine and run away up a ladder but Wolverine stops him by frantically slashing the ladder into small pieces in what’s basically a cartoon sequence. (I guess Gambit can’t superpower his way out of falling 6 feet to the ground below and passing out?).

So, it’s weird to me that Liev Schreiber runs away from the fight. Does he think he can win against Wolverine, but not against Gambit who Wolverine can totally beat? Or that he can’t win against Wolverine (which he has been saying he can the whole time) and so he runs? After which I guess Wolverine would hunt down Liev anyway? So I’m not sure why he ran away. (Claw Envy, perhaps?) He should have just waited for them to fight it out and kill the winner. My enemy’s enemy and all that…

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So it turns out Stryker’s Weapon X is so last season, and Ryan Reynolds is now being plastic surgeried, and turned into Weapon XI. Which is weird, because I’m pretty sure that is not how Wade Wilson turned into Deadpool. Even I know that, and I don’t read comics.

Anyways, so Stryker’s top secret lab is on Three Mile Island. “Hiding in plain sight.” The lab is in a nuclear power plant, because no one would look there. You know? Like not the government or EPA or anyone. They never check those things out.

So Wolverine skydives into the water surrounding Three Mile Island from a chopper (piloted by Gambit now?) and just will not stop with the MS Claws. He’s using them to cut through locks in doors nowadays, but it does not make them look any less retarded.

Part of their Weapon XI developments/enhancements involve cutting off Deadpool’s eyelids or something, because his eyes are freaky as, and they stitched up his mouth. (Oh, I see what Stryker did there…)

“Yeah, this is great. I love where you’re taking this, Concept Artist Tod Harris, but I want him to look more plasticky.”

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Oh snap! Girlfriend is still alive! It was all an elaborate hoax that Stryker concocted to make Wolverine want to join his Special Team again! What, so they kidnapped her sister years ago and told her she had to go and live in the mountains with a Wolverine and be his girlfriend, on the off chance that one day he would not be properly motivated enough to kill Liev Schreiber, so they would fake her death to make him turn to them in his not-quite-fully-fleshed-out-grief? Likely...

Apparently they gave her “a shot of hydrochlorithyacide”(???) that reduced her heart rate to almost nothing, and then Liev Schreiber poured a sachet of cow’s blood all over her or something? And luckily Wolverine was so crippled by despair that he didn’t check for the cuts or scrapes that caused the blood, or stick around long enough for her heart rate to speed up again? Or bury her??? Like, he’s been going steady with her for years but never stopped to mourn her? Oh well. Just as well she turned out to be just faking then, cause he could have accidentally buried or cremated her…

Girlfriend’s name is Kayla? Wait - when did we know that?? Has anyone used her name before now? She was just a pretty face…

Anyways. It turns out that Kayla’s sister is a Cullen, with beautiful diamond skin, and is being held hostage at Stryker’s In-plain-sight Lab (it’s not a secret lab anymore. It’s in a nuclear power plant, you guys). And Kayla is also a mutant which we all obviously knew from her Jedi Mind tricks at the beginning and even Wolverine pretty much said it, so why is he acting all surprised? She can control people’s minds for as long as she is touching them. (Logan is like “IS MY WHOLE LIFE A LIE???”)

Liev Schreiber wants an KryptoniteAdamantium injection too! Claw Envy, totally. But Stryker won’t let him because he’s not manly enough. (Because his healing powers aren’t up to scratch. If only he’d studied harder in mutant college)

Liev is pouty and like ‘If he gets some, then I should get some too!!’ And then I guess he wants to kill Kayla for real this time, and she tries to Jedi him with her hands but it doesn’t work on him? Because that makes sense.

And then Logan rescues her, even though he feels like she is really the Wolverine in the Native Canadian story and he is the Moon picking flowers? And he gets over her years of heart-breaking deception enough to want to help her release all the other mutant prisoners.

And Stryker is like “Release the KrakkenWeapon XI!”

And then Wolverine runs through the prison, meeting all kinds of mutants he should probably remember when he gets to the first X-Men movie but he doesn’t, and he frees them all with a long continuous scrape of his MS Claws against their cells.

“I don’t remember any of your faces after today!

But then they are met by a nightmare Ryan Reynolds/Wade Wilson/Deadpool, who has KATANA KNUCKLES, and a series of ridiculous tattoos (which are probably a Subway map or Prison tunnel system for his inevitable sequel/spinoff movie) and a stitched-up mouth, and no shirt.

And also, Stryker has to control Deadpool with text prompts from his computer like a King’s Quest game???

He types “Engage,” so that Deadpool will attach Wolverine. Really? (“I’m sorry. I do not understand “engage.”)

And they have a ManBrawl. (But Wolverine is levelled up by this point, so he is good at these).

“Ouch! It’s like we were best friends, and then you stabbed me in the metaphor…”

Meanwhile, Kayla’s vampire sister sparkles all the kids to safety. Disaster averted. And Kayla has to stay behind. Because (*SPOILER ALERT*) she has been SHOT!

“Nutrogena clears my pores, and protects me from oil build-up and bullets.”

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And then Wolverine climbs to the top of a water cooling tower, and they continue their fight on the tower. But Deadpool can teleport up there! (Wait, isn’t that Will. I. A- oh, forget it..) Then he pins Logan to the ground, and Stryker is typing on his laptop like “Decapitate!”

And I am expecting Deadpool to be like “Decapitate what? I do not see anything to decapitate here,” and Stryker to go “Decapitate Wolverine’s head!” and Deadpool to be like “I’m unable to do that,” and Stryker to be like “Take your massive Katana implants and slice them through the KryptoniteAdamantium skull of Hugh Jackman!” and Deadpool to go “Affirmative.” (Get it? Cause X-Men: Origins is like King’s Quest, except with worse graphics?)

And then Liev Schreiber arrives and they are like “QUICK! LET’S PUT ASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES SO WE CAN FIGHT HIM TOGETHER!” So they do.

And then they have an awesome, choreographed fight sequence, which I would love so much if it wasn’t filmed on location at Green Screen Central. And now Deadpool can also Cyclops them with his laser eyes?? (It look like he has stolen everyone’s superpowers. Awwww, poor Liev Schreiber’s ego…) So I guess they somehow grafted all the Special Team’s abilities into him. And Tim Kring is like “Hey, no fair! That’s my Peter Petrelli! I will sue you for every pixel you’ve got!”

And then Wolverine slices off Deadpool’s head, and he falls down the tower. But he had his eyes open when he got decapitated. So naturally his laser powers are still working as he falls, and he slices up the tower good and proper.

“Surprise!”

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And then, deep inside the In-plain-sight Lab somewhere, the actual Teen Cyclops is like “Sparkle Sister! Trust me, I have a blindfold on! Turn left here! I have no way of knowing how to get out of here, but turn left!” And all the teenage mutants follow him. (Teens, you know?)

And then everything collapses on everyone, like the whole nuclear plant. And somehow Kayla survives. Literally the last time we saw her, she was in an underground passageway, and now she is sitting in the sand/dirt like “Wha’ Happened?” and “I’m so cold because I have been shot in the kidney,” surround by one or two styrofoam rocks and some unsettled dust.

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And then Wolverine and her walk off into a sunset which is the fakest one I’ve seen since Naomi Watts juggled on a clifftop with King Kong. But Stryker has KryptoniteAdamantium bullets that will give Wolverine amnesia (“His brain may heal, but not his memories.” What?), and shoots him in the head. (What is with this guy always trying to erase Logerine’s memories?? I guess their high school romance is still in full swing…)

But yeah, so is Stryker hoping to get lucky with his shot? Like, aiming for the ‘memory centre’ of the brain? Hoping to only hit him in the memories, and not kill him? And then he shoots him in the head, again. I don’t understand your logic here, General.

Then he tries to shoot Kayla, but she Jedi mind tricks him in the foot, and tells him not to shoot himself in the head (the moral high ground), but instead to “Walk until your feet bleed, and then keep walking.” Which just makes sense. Because it’s a three mile island? And her Jedi mind tricks only work when she’s touching them? But yep. So he shuffles off.

“These aren’t the headshots you’re looking for…”

And then all the mutant teens are out of the compound, and they are met by a nightmare Real Doll version of Sir Patrick Stewart, which is far worse than when they were met by a nightmare Ryan Reynolds. Patrick Stewart has been plasticked over heavily (because he is so much younger in this movie than the start of the first X-Men movie) and is literally the scariest thing in this movie, even counting Ryan Reynolds’ bald, stitched-up, lidless demon face.

He gets them all to follow them into his X-copter, by saying “Come, we have to go,” and all the impressionable young mutants, who have just been through major trauma and have never met this old, creepy man in their lives, jog across the Green Screen field into the Green Screen chopper (Which is just LAZY, Green Screen artists.) because that is what they are wont to do. (“Jump in kids! I am a mutant. I am an eccentric billionaire who can speak with my mind, and I want you all to live in my mansion with me! Don’t tell your parents!”)

“We will follow you to the ends of the earth, O captain, my captain…”

And then Logan wakes up and doesn’t remember anything, (kind of like how I hope to wake up tomorrow…) and Gambit (who I guess wasn’t invited to X Academy because he was too old?) tries to help him run away but Wolverine doesn’t remember anything. And so they run, but Wolverine stops at Kayla’s dead body because he doesn’t remember her, and decides NOW is a good time to check her pulse and see if she is really dead, and then Gambit asks if he knows her, and he says he doesn’t. (So I guess you’re actually better off when you have little-to-no-connection with Wolverine, if you want him to care about your well-being?)

Gambit says they have to go, but Wolverine dramatically tells Gambit “I’ll find my own way.” (Which we can all just feel in our very cores is going to be so true. Good script!)

And then we zoom out of the sound Stage in Sydney to up in the clouds somewhere and cut to black.

THE EN– Wait! No, a little post-script!

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Stryker is walking (his feet aren’t bleeding yet. I guess, the three-mile thing?) and an army tank stops him and tells him he is wanted for questioning for killing the guy who asked him about the Roman Numerals. (He did that, by the way, at some point in the frenzied action scenes. Killed his fellow officer…)

So then… wait, nothing? It goes to the credits? Seriously?? That was the most pointless little insert I’ve ever seen at the end of a movie. It didn’t set Stryker up for future movies or storylines. It didn’t give us any clues about his involvement with Wolverine, or– AAAARRRGGGGGGHHHH THIS MOVIE IS SO ANNOYING.

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“You guys, I’m starting to worry about what being in this movie is going to do to all of our respective careers.” – Everyone in this photo except Hugh Jackman.

AND THEN, after the credits, AGAIN, we see a Katana, retracting into Deadpool’s knuckles (cause we didn’t know THAT was coming), and his hand reaching around for his head, which is staring at us, and saying “Shhhhhhh”. I guess his mouth got unstitched from all that falling down a power plant stack? And he doesn’t want us to tell anyone about it? Way to break the fourth wall, X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

I hate you.